From a Divorce Mediator: Betrayal Can Be a Blessing

Steven Dietz, an American playwright, said that betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.  The natural reaction is to pull back and never trust again.  As a divorce mediator, I have seen people remain bitter for many years choosing to live only half a life.  But whether or not you choose to rebuild trust with that person, betrayal can be a blessing.

Dr. Ivan Misner wrote an article titled “Who’s in Your Room?”  He said, What if you had to live your life in one room?  Whoever you want to interact with in life is in that room.  There is only one door.  It is a one-way door.  Whoever is in your room stays in there forever.

He continued to ask what would that room would look like?  Chaotic, angry, meditative, crowded, conflicted, joyful, or lonely?  His point was that the quality of our life is a direct reflection of the people we let into our room.

The one who has betrayed us has left our room.  Even after we choose to forgive, we do not have to let them back in.  That decision must be made thoughtfully and calmly.   The more intimate the relationship, the greater the desire to rebuild.  Whether the betrayer was our boss, parent, or spouse, rebuilding is still our choice.

The very process of making that choice is the blessing of betrayal because we use that experience to grow.  Michelle and Dennis Reina have done significant work on the issue of trust and in their book, “Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace: Building Effective Relationships in Your Organization” where they describe 7 steps to rebuilding.  I suggest these steps are critical to personal growth regardless of whether or not you choose to rebuild the relationship.

1. The first step is awareness.  Observe your feelings without judging them.  You need quiet time not immediately after the betrayal itself.   Step back and observe what happened from the corner of your mind.

2.  Once you observe, allow those feelings to surface.  This is extraordinarily difficult for some of us.  We judge feelings of pain, humiliation and helplessness as “bad.”  But feelings are neither good or bad.  They just are.  Acknowledged or not, our feelings are always with us.  Burying them gives a false illusion of control.  Unacknowledged, they influence us even more as we unknowingly make decisions based upon fear, worry and anger.  To observe, we must first allow them to surface.   This is not the obsessing that often happens after a negative experience where we relive the painful, bitter moment over and over even when we’d prefer not to do so.  Choosing a quiet time in a safe place to experience the painful feelings of betrayal is the first step to awareness and healing.

3.  Get Support.  Experiencing negative emotions is frightening for many of us.  This is best done with an experienced therapist but an empathetic and nonjudgmental friend or mentor is helpful as well.

4.  Reframe the experience.  Beth Hevda, Ph.D. wrote, Betrayal, Trust, and Forgivenness, A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal.  She describes betrayal as a strong medicine, a real catalyst, the ultimate homeopathy, the paradoxical time when suffering accelerates personal development.  In reframing the experience of betrayal, we choose to grow.

Tom Wilson wryly said, “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age.  Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.”  While reframing is challenging both emotionally and intellectually, it brings wisdom.   It begins with an inquiry.  How did this happen?  How has it affected me?  What have I learned?  What lessons do I need to learn from this?   Going through the process enlightens us.

5. Take Responsibility – I was betrayed and I’m responsible!?   Don’t be too quick to judge.  Take some time.  Walk.  Really think.  What choices did we make that contributed to the betrayal?  Was our trust justified?  Did we miss signs that could have forewarned us?  How did we react?  Initially, did we overreact?  Were we respectful?   How could we have reacted?

Most important, how will we choose to react in the future? The experience we had, however painful, is ours only to learn from and not to share with others for pity or retaliation.  What will we choose as our attitude?

I listened to Shawn Achor, Ph.D.  who recently spoke at the ACR Minnesota mediation training.  Shawn wrote about our attitudes in “The Happiness Advantage Book.”  Shawn notes that culturally we are taught that we will be happy once we are successful.  He analyzed that concept studying Harvard undergrads.

Shawn’s research proved that the opposite is actually true.  Instead of waiting for success to become happy, choosing happiness first fuels success.  He found was that while students were initially elated, a month into the first semester, they were no longer overjoyed or even content with having achieved the academic success of admission to Harvard.  Instead, they were miserable with stress, challenges and competition.  They did what we all do.  Once achieving “the goal” that defined success, instead of being happy,  they set a new goal basing their long sought happiness on yet another target.

Shawn described “our single processor brain” which devotes finite resources as we process the world.  If we scan for the negative first, our brain literally has no resources left over to see the things for which we are grateful.  But if we scan the world for the positive, we start to reap an amazing advantage.  People are more productive.  Sales increase.  Doctors diagnoses are significantly more accurate.   Our brains are more productive.  Given this research, it is critical to observe, reframe and learn not only for personal growth but as a core component of our personal happiness.

6.  Forgiveness.  This is one of the most important steps.   In both divorce litigation and mediation I have watched spouses live diminished lives because of their inability to forgive.   Instead of looking for solutions, they prefer to go to trial. “Even if I lose – it will be worth it.”   Any satisfaction is short-lived and at the expense of their long-term happiness because this angry, intimate obsession prevents them from establishing a new and healthy intimate relationship with someone else.  Untold second marriages fail because of the toxic connection with the first ex-spouse.

Many choose not to forgive often because it was discussed but never modeled in their home.  So they didn’t learn how to forgive while growing up.  Some people rationalize their choice not to do so saying, “Well, I hold grudges.  My whole family does.”  For the unwary, forgiveness is not merely speech but an active and continuing choice.  There are those who only talk about forgiveness.  We’ve all heard people say, “I forgive you but I’ll never forget – ever.”   Is that really forgiving?

Another trap is conditional forgiveness.  “I’ll forgive her if she apologizes.  On its face it makes sense.  Why should I forgive that person if she never apologizes?”  Because forgiveness is not something we “do for others.”  It is what we give to ourselves.  By waiting for apology, we are held hostage to the very person who betrayed us in the first place.

How do we do this when we do not feel like it?  First, focus on what is healthy and what we want.  Then just say it.  “I forgive you.”  If that still feels insincere, then describe what you hope.  “I will forgive you” soon becomes “I will forgive you today.” Putting stickies on the mirror sounds corny but helps us visualize what is positive and important.

7.  The last step is to move on.  This will not happen until we work through the process.   In this stage, we have perspective and can look past being victims.  Finally, even though we have forgiven the betrayer, we must still decide if is this a person that we are going to let back into our room.   We can open the door if we want to preserve the relationship and believe it is worthwhile.

But if this person betrays and shows no remorse,  or repeatedly betrays even if unknowingly, we can choose “no” and still live a full life.   Whether as a family member, ex-spouse or co-worker, we must choose carefuly when and how we interact.   In doing so, it is critical to communicate clearly and in writing (even by email or text).  Even as we choose less interaction, when we do, we must remain calm, respectful and empathetic rather than irritated, impatient and petty.   Going forward, sharing the betrayal with others is a toxic choice.  I knew an attorney who told funny but demeaning  stories of a judge even decades after the judge’s death.  With each story, in spite of the laughter, he relived those betrayals which only fueled his bitterness and perpetuated his feeling of being victimized and helpless.  An attorney can substitute a judge or even choose not to practice law.  But being in the courtroom is still a choice.

What about our own mistakes?  So many betrayals are unintentional.  How might we have betrayed those close to us?  Do we expect to be rejected and constantly test people’s loyalty?  Do we contribute to conflict being defensive?  Are we so preoccupied with our problems and life that we are oblivious to the impact on others?  Do we discount people, ignore them or run over them? Do we micromanage people?  Do we miss deadlines, fail to communicate, clarify or listen well?  We’ve all done this at sometime in our lives.   Every one of us.  We have to recognize it, apologize and forgive ourselves.  In this way, we can experience betrayal not as a painful impediment but rather as a catalyst for happiness and personal growth.

For more information on divorce mediation and conflict resolution training, visit our website at derrlaw.com.

 

Before the June 5th recall, this article

Before the June 5th recall, this article detailing the last year and a half in Wisconsin is a must read. http://ow.ly/bcHBA

May Day, Balance and Divorce Mediation

May Day, celebrating new life, is almost upon us.  It is also the day my dad died.  Five years before, on that same day – I had also miscarried. May Day was an ancient celebration exactly marking mid-year from November 1^st – the end of the fallow winter and celebrating the coming spring.  But not to me.  I did not anticipate the daffodils and tulips but dreaded the coming Father’s Day with Hallmark banners of fathers and children catching me off guard and unprotected.

Sometimes it passed almost without notice – until I had to sign an agreement. In the presence of clients, I would momentarily pause before dating – May 1^st – May Day.  Years later, I marveled at the irony of losing a child and a parent on the very day that celebrates life.

But is it really so ironic? Life and death are like partners in a marriage. Both are part of countless beginnings and endings including the death of a grandfather, the birth of a grandchild, a new home, and empty nests.  There is balance everywhere – fire and ice, good and evil, night and day.  Winter gives way to spring and the sun to rain.  Plants remove carbon dioxide to create food, oxygen and water.  Dead plants fertilize the soil for new ones.  Nature is constantly in balance with predators and prey, supply and demand, man and woman.

Newton’s law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite action.  The universe, thought to be static, exploded into being billions of years ago and will cease a billion years from now by slowly contracting.  We breathe in oxygen and release carbon dioxide.  Our heart takes in blood and forces it out.  Lungs expand and contract.  Marcia Barinaga writes of the life-death balance even on a cellular level. Each act, related to and dependent upon the other.  Without the contraction, there can be no expansion.

We have joyful, expansive times in our life and also death, divorce and sadness.  Marriage is the birth, a hopeful beginning.  Yet, all marriages end – whether by divorce or death.  Divorce is the end of our family bringing tumultuous change. The grief is enormous and overwhelming.  There is betrayal, anger and mostly fear.  Amid all the pain we don’t even realize there is also a beginning.

Litigating the divorce continues the battle causing more pain.  Divorce mediation treats that relationship not as a battle but rather the process through which marriages end and people can begin again.

Before or after the divorce, realizing that we cannot change our spouse (or the past) is the death.  Still we fight it – trying over and over to exact the change we seek. “I’ll make him be on time.”  “I will force her to see she is hurting the children.” Accepting what we cannot change is the beginning of our new life. We all know the friend or neighbor who refuses and instead, wages divorce war – a living death.

Couples who use divorce mediation often begin their new life sooner.  They work on the details of their loss – the legal realities of this new life – dividing the property, sharing and supporting our children.  But mediation also gives people space to think.  What are the life lessons to be learned?  My face in the mirror will change and my body will age.  Where is the part of me that is always the same?  What does that person want?  Where is the death and where is the new opening?

The answers are within us.  We just need to take the time to think.  When my father died, I was tired of seeing the deaths that children went through.  I saw grandparents take their children out of school to wait in the hallway during their parent’s hearing.  They would sit on the wooden bench paralyzed with fear.

I stopped litigating divorces and chose instead to help couples through mediation, a new career.  I can choose another as well.  This May 1^st, I will embrace as a celebration of the the father who mentored me, the children I did have, and the fulfilling work I am fortunate to do.

Getting Divorced in Wisconsin? See benef

Getting Divorced in Wisconsin? See benefits of mediation for a fraction of costs of litigation. http://ow.ly/8CeN4

Mediators check out Wis.opportunity! The

Mediators check out Wis.opportunity! The Wisconsin Department of Children and Families (DCF) is seeking mediators with disagreements between the Department and child welfare agencies/providers over the approved daily rate for agency as part of the Rate Regulation process. 182 child welfare agencies/providers are affected by rate regulation and as many as 1/3 may request mediation. DCF will compile a list of available mediators. It is typically scheduled for one hour in the DCF building located at 201 E. Washington Ave., Madison, Wisconsin and the cost will be shared equally between the agency and DCF. For more info contact: . Email Cheryl Edgington at cheryla.edgington@wisconsin.gov http://ow.ly/7x8Uc

Discussing Money Without a Fight

It’s 3:00 a.m. and Natalie and Jim are awake and angry. Jim is sitting up in bed. “We’re going to have separate checking accounts!” She whispers fiercely, “I don’t understand why you are so upset. I told you that we saved over a thousand dollars!” His voice becomes louder. “What do you mean save? You just emptied our checking account and I have to pay the mortgage! You always do this. You’re just like your mother!” She glared at him and hissed, “I suppose we should be more like your father. His idea of hosting the groom’s dinner was buying a whole case of beer.” She paused briefly before spitting it out. “You’re pathetic.” He sighed deeply. It was useless. Without a word he went downstairs to sleep on the couch just as he had last week.

Money is one of the most difficult conversations a married couple can have. Natalie and Jim love each other. Yet they heard themselves saying things they knew they’d regret later. Instead of problem solving, they were escalating their conflict. Why does it happen? How can we stop repeating such a pattern and work on financial issues?

Interestingly, the process of escalation takes a fairly predictable path. If we recognize it when it is happening, we can interrupt the pattern and begin problem solving. As people become more frustrated and angry, certain physiological changes take place without our being consciously aware of them. Our heart rate increases (even pounding), our breath becomes quick and shallow. Our volume and rate of speech increases. Brows become furrowed and lips pursed. Muscles tense. Blood flow to muscles increases and to other areas is constricted. Some people become flushed and blotchy. We stop listening and are quicker to interrupt.

Our subconscious, which controls our autonomous system, often recognizes and responds to our anger before we are consciously aware of it. For example, have you ever seen an argument where one person said, “I don’t see why you’re so angry” only to hear a thunderous bellow, “I’M NOT ANGRY!” The conscious mind is not even aware of the intense emotion to which the sympathetic nervous system has already loudly responded. Some people describe escalation as a feeling of being “taken over like a tidal wave.” But we are not as helpless as we feel. It takes a significant amount of cooperation to have an argument. We can choose not to.

The first step to reduce escalation is to consciously recognize our own physiological signs – the pounding heart, shallow breath, the quicker speech and louder voice. Only then can we interrupt the pattern. Often your spouse will recognize it sooner. This is where couples can choose to help each other. When you are calm, ask each other “What do you want me to say to you when I notice that you are getting angry?” We often respond better when we recognize our own words. Any short calming phrase you choose will do. (Can we slow down? It seems like you’re getting upset. Let’s take a break. Remember we agreed to problem solve. Another example is “You told me to tell you when you’re getting angry and to take a breath.”)

That is the opportunity. Once we’re aware, how do we interrupt the reaction? Don’t immediately respond. Break off. Stop. Take three deep, down-to-your-toes breaths. If that doesn’t work, explain that you’re too angry to communicate well and you need to take a break. If you have to physically leave, then (as in the Nike ad) “just do it.” Make sure it is at least 20 minutes. Timing is also critical. Look at the situation. Are you exhausted or drinking? Then 20 minutes is not going to help. It is almost impossible to have a thoughtful discussion in either of those situations. Pick another time to talk.

If Jim tells Natalie that he wants to take a break but she ignores him, not only will they have another useless argument, she will have additionally betrayed his trust by failing to work with him as she promised. If one partner promises to problem solve but repeatedly ignores the signals, you might need professional help. That is absolutely the case where the escalation leads to violence.

What happens if we continue to escalate? The focus of the financial problem will be lost as the couple begins to bring up other issues, generalize (“You always do this”) and attack each other. Increased escalation can even include other people as Natalie and Jim discuss their financial problems and frustrations with friends and families just as Jim attacked her mother and she attacked his father. Negative extended family involvement only adds to the problem. In severe cases, “Tribal Warfare” is often a significant factor in marital conflict.

On the other hand, if Natalie slows down, lowers her voice and takes a needed break, they can begin problem solving and just as important, build trust between them. Assuming that Natalie and Jim start recognizing and responding to each others’ signals how do we work on the financial issues?

One of the biggest mistakes we make is to begin with the solution. Jim said, “We’re going to have separate checking accounts!” Natalie felt defensive and angry. The first step in discussing a financial concern or problem in a calm and nonjudgmental way (even when you believe the other is at fault.) Jim could have asked Natalie for her cooperation in helping him solve the problem. “Natalie, can we talk? I feeling so overwhelmed. I am supposed to pay the mortgage tomorrow and there is no money in the checkbook. What should we do and how can we avoid this from happening in the future? Does if feel artificial? Yes. Does it work? Absolutely.

Starting with the problem does more than just engender cooperation. Natalie might just have an even better solution. What if she had just accepted Jim’s solution and created individual checking accounts? Two checkbooks do not double a couple’s cash flow. It might solve Jim’s embarrassment by forcing Natalie to call the bank on her overdrafts but if they continuously overspending without changing their pattern, they will continue to increase consumer debt and eventually even lose their home. In addition, it is often harder to budget for the family with two separate accounts.

Perhaps you find yourself saying, “That sounds great but my spouse wouldn’t care about my needs regardless of how I ask.” First, check out that assumption by trying. Second, if that assumption is true, then ask yourself if this is exactly the relationship that you want to continue. Let them know in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way that you need to make some long term changes and suggest counseling. Continuing escalating arguments will never solve those problems but only makes them worse. Children who are repeatedly exposed to significant marital conflict have more problems with truancy, delinquency, pregnancy and drug use.

As part of problem solving, both people have to agree to really listen to the other without interrupting. Both could also agree to write down the benefits and negatives of each possible solution without attacking the other party. As we increase out ability to solve problems, we will feel more in control of our lives, less afraid of addressing conflict and just as important, we will teach our children how to solve problems in a healthy way. Perhaps that is the best outcome of all.

Children’s Grief During Divorce

(How to Help Children Grieve)

 By: Lisa L. Derr, Derr & Villarreal, LLC

 As family mediators, we see parents so enmeshed in the throes of conflict, they don’t always recognize that their children are grieving let alone help them through the process.   Knowing more about grieving myths and children’s grieving process will help us better support our clients as they process their own feelings and help their children grieve.

The authors of the book When Children Grieve, by John W. James and Russell Friedman, suggest that the abrupt change in the relationships from death or divorce will almost always leave children with unresolved grief.

They expose several long-established myths and explore how to help children grieve.  They define grief as “the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior.”  Divorce alters most of children’s routines including their living situation and separation from friends.  There are a number of conflicting feelings involved.   While saddened by the loss of their intact family, they may be relieved by the end of fighting and anxious about where they will live.  In addition, if one parent has expressed significant anxiety about their future, children may additionally feel worried or fearful about the emotional (and sometimes financial) health of that parent.

Our society perpetuates a number of myths about grieving.  One myth is that we equate feeling good as positive and feeling bad as negative.  We tell our children, “Don’t feel bad.”  But as most therapists will tell us, feelings are neither good nor bad.  They just are.  To resolve grief, children must be able to freely express those emotions.  Yet parents minimize expressions of sadness, change the subject, or tell them not to feel that way.

Children look to adults for emotional guidance.  They lose out when they accept the misconception that avoiding negative feelings is beneficial.  It is natural to avoid pain.  But in order to grieve, children need to freely express their feelings.  As mediators, we are already aware of the client’s critical need to express their emotions without judgment.  Modeling that behavior is helpful to parents.

Another myth is “Being Strong.” Years ago a client told me in caucus how his father died when he was 9.  Nearly everyone at the funeral told him “You’re the man of the house now” and “Be strong for your mother.” While he recognized that his inability to express his feelings was a factor in their divorce, he appeared to be expressing as much unresolved grief about his father’s death as the loss of his marriage.  “Being strong” had not only inhibited his ability to fully grieve, it was a major factor in his inability to communicate how he felt to his wife.

A classic myth is that “Time heals all wounds.”  The authors use a distinct example.  If you had a flat tire, would you wait for several years and hope it gets fixed?  Time alone does not heal or resolve grief.  Specific actions help people grieve.  Doing nothing (or keeping overly busy) will leave the child with feelings that are incomplete and unresolved.  Without completing their grieving, children will resort to short-term relief (video games, food, alcohol, sex, etc.)

Bereavement researchers, John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes, have divided grief into four distinct phases of shock and numbness, yearning and searching, disorientation and disorganization and finally, reorganization and resolution.[1]  During the first stage, children appear to cope well but are often first stunned.  It is important for parents to be patient, listen and make themselves available.  Again, while parents can help their children express the multitude of feelings they have, it cannot be forced on the child.

What are some specific actions to help children? First, they will naturally review a relationship that is lost (or significantly changed).  They may discuss things that happened in the family and that should be not avoided but encouraged.  Not all of the review will be positive but is nevertheless necessary.

In the second stage of yearning and searching, children may appear restless, angry or bewildered.  These intense feelings may cause children to act out or withdraw completely from family connections.  During this time, it is important to stay calm, not overreact and realize that their feelings may change drastically from day to day.

In the third stage of disorientation and disorganization, when the reality sinks in, children may experience extreme sadness, depression, guilt and anger.   This could result in sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and lack of enthusiasm for things they used to enjoy.

Parents can make sure that their children are getting adequate rest (especially at different households) and each can provide opportunities to spend time together.  (This is not the time to introduce new significant others or pressure children to immediately form a new relationship with that person.)

Asking direct questions such as, “How do you feel about the divorce?” will rarely be helpful.  Children are afraid to be judged and caught in the middle.  Kids take cues from parents.  Talking openly about the relationship will encourage them to do so as well.  A parent might say, “I’m really sad about not living in the same home anymore.” However, the parent’s revelation must be emotionally truthful.

Parents must be aware that their feelings are very distinct from their children’s.  How often do we see parents inadvertently merge their feelings with their children’s?  “Dad left us.  We don’t want him around anymore.”  The relationship between the child and the other parent is their relationship.  As parents are authority figures, their repeated interpretation can create a different reality for that child.  As mediators, we can gently help parents identify their own feelings as opposed to those of their children.

In the last stage of reorganization and resolution, children are beginning to accept the loss.  Parents need to realize that they may slip back and forth into previous stages.  Different children – even in the same family may express their feelings very differently.  It is still important to encourage sharing those feelings – both good and bad.

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[1] “The Grief Process.”  www.usd.edu The University of South Dakota.  10 Mar. 2008